I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
