Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
