So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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