Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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