i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
