Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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