every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
