I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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