in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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