I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
