I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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