I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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