Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
