My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
