Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
