I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
