Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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