I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
