I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
