when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
