Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
