just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
