im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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