I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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