You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
