see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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