OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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