u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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