If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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