Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
