I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Randomize
