I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
