Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
