where's my purse there's an important taco in it
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
