So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
