the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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