My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
