She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
