i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
