shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
