you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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