i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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