He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
