I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
