Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
