when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
