it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He shit in the fireplace
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
