My sheets look like a crime scene.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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