Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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