I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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