a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
