Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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