he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
