Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
