dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
