I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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