that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
