also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
