I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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